Do you really scream that much?

Opening Remarks: Part of my job is reading, evaluating and editing erotic and red hot sex scenes, since I work in the romance genre. So from time to time, I’m going to post about it. Now, is one of those times and I just might use some dirty words–it’s kind of a subject that calls for it.

Today I’d like to address unrealistic sex “things” I see commonly in manuscripts. I say “things” only because I haven’t had my Wheaties this morning and that’s the only word my brain can come up with right now.

I’ve noticed ridiculous amounts of screaming lately in reading through the submissions in my inbox. I mean, seriously. Do you you scream as much as y’all make your heroines scream? My authors even do this, and I usually make them change it. There are times I let it go, because with the dialogue and situation, the word usage works. Normally, it doesn’t.

I want you to think back to the last time you had sex. Did you scream? I’m thinking you didn’t. You might have moaned and gasped and panted, but I’m thinking you didn’t scream, and if you did, it probably wasn’t in a good way. Let’s be honest here, no one screams when they’re having sex except in, well, bad romance novels and comedies.

I’ve read some where the heroine screams because the hero licks her nipple. Really? The only way I can see someone screaming because another’s mouth is on their nipple is because that person is biting their nipple off, or the have some sort of razor sharp tongue. Hey, it’s gross and creepy, but it’s true. There are people who get off on pain, both giving and receiving. Though I’m thinking this level of giving would be more in line with Jack the Ripper, but that’s another blog post. And any of that certainly doesn’t belong in most romance novels. (And for those there who might want to argue that, please notice I said MOST, not ALL. Thank you.)

I’ve seen people have their heroine scream when the head of the hero’s “throbbing manhood” touches her “womanly core”. Seriously? There are so many things wrong with the sentence it’s ridiculous. Again, please don’t make me list instances where your lover’s penis touching your vagina might make you scream. And notice, I said penis, and not throbbing manhood. shaft can be okay in some instances, but penis, cock, dick…those are all acceptable terms. And don’t use flower comparisons for the heroine’s vajayjay (as Dr. Bailey from GA so wonderfully calls it) either. It’s not a flower, it’s a vagina.

And wombs….oh good lord, the wombs. His penis is not in her womb. Your womb is your uterus, and if his dick is in your uterus, y’all have some problems. Serious ones. And no, he’s not spilling his seed there, either. His semen is deposited in her vagina…it has to go through the cervix to get to the womb. Anatomy 101, people.

These things have all been said so many times before by so many people. Then why am I saying it again, you ask? The simple answer is because people are still doing it. If people would just stop, then we wouldn’t have to talk about this ever again.

So, please, for the love of all that is holy, just….don’t.

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5 Comments

Filed under Editing, Random, Romancelandia

5 responses to “Do you really scream that much?

  1. Wombs and flowers? Don’t you edit books that tell it like it is, and *not* the traditional, euphemistic stuff? LOL

    I want to be an editor and read submissions, just for a day. It sounds like a good time. 🙂

  2. The screaming doesn’t bug me as much as the wailing and the keening — and oh lord… the keening wail.

    The definition of keen is to lament or mourn — if your man makes you want to keen in bed you’ve got problems.

    😛

  3. The womb bothers me the most. My womb has never clenched at the sight of a man, and I think it would be unpleasant if it did. You say “clenching womb,” I think “menstrual cramps.”

    Thank you for editing the womb out of erotic romance.

  4. kimberly nee

    This post should have had a beverage warning as well. It’s 8:30AM here and I nearly choked on my coffee!

    “throbbing manhood” and “clenching womb” (and wouldn’t that require immediate medical attention if it clenched that manhood???) rank right up there with “cream” as words I NEVER want to read in a romance. 🙂

  5. tak4

    Oh, and the other one I forgot to mention that I don’t like….convulsing. Ugh. Seriously people. Think about talking to your friends…”And then, my womb convulsed around him.” For the love of god!

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